Somehow it’s December and I find myself only just getting around to writing my first and only post of 2018!
You may or may not recall that 2017 wasn’t my most favourite year and at the end of it I had high hopes that this year would treat me well and have good things install for me. Umm well I’m not sure that I’ve had a particularly good year, in parts I guess it’s been good, making memories, however for a large part of 2018 I’ve been a miserable, unbearable, crying mess.
When I started this blog I was on a mission to love myself in the hope that doing so would lead to someone else loving me. The title ‘Gym, Gin, Game of Life’ a reflection as to how I hoped to accomplish ‘Mission Love Me’. I was going to the gym regularly, I’d lost some weight and was beginning to tone – Because in my broken little mind I thought (and sadly still do) that I’ll only be loveable if I’m slim. I felt relatively good about myself and although I hadn’t found love I was having fun searching for my Mr Right, playing the ‘game of life’. And gin is gin, something to drown my tears in.
At the end of last year my sister found love again, and of course I was (am) so very happy for her, but a part of me was (is) jealous. How has she found love, and I haven’t? What’s wrong with me? I am just unlovable? An overwhelming feeling of sadness and loneliness engulfed me. I’ve always been happy for my sister and friends with their boyfriends/girlfriends, houses, engagements, weddings, babies, but I feel like I’ve used all my happiness on them and never on myself. All of them are moving forward, making their own memories and although I’ve been part of their journey for parts, they all get to crossroads where they turn left, right or move straight ahead and I’m left there at a standstill on my own.
All I’ve ever wanted is to have a loving boyfriend/husband, a cosy home and babies, my own little family. Everyone around me seems to have all of this (granted they may not be happy all the time) but not me. My sister and friends are all moving on and I’m getting left behind. Have you ever felt so incredibly lonely even when you’re surrounded by people who you know care and love you? My biggest fear is being on my own. Well these feelings make you crazy!!! And I was a horrible person to be around, I mean I even hated being around me! I’d cry myself to sleep, feel genuinely shit, I was even more mardy than usual, I was (probably still am) awful to be around.
I’ve always been very aware of mental health issues, but had never for one second assessed my own mental health. I’d never drilled down into the symptoms of depression because I didn’t think what I was feeling was depression. Why would it be depression? I have family and friends who love me. I have my health, no illnesses. I have a job. I’ve not lost anyone (well I have in sorts but they’re still very much alive). One evening, with puffing red eyes I googled ‘Symptoms of depression’ and it was like I’d come across a profile for me:
- Continuous low mood or sadness
- Feeling hopeless and helpless
- Having low self-esteem
- Feeling tearful
- Feeling guilt-ridden
- Feeling irritable and intolerant of others
- Having no motivation or interest in things
- Finding it difficult to make decisions
- Not getting any enjoyment out of life
- Feeling anxious or worried
- Changes in appetite or weight
- Lack of energy
- Low sex drive
- Disturbed sleep
- Avoiding contact with friends and taking part in fewer social activities
- Neglecting hobbies and interests
- Difficulties in you home and family life
- Suicidal and/or self harming thoughts
Out of this list, the only one I didn’t have or feel was suicidal – Everything else got a tick. I felt like a complete phoney, how could I be depressed?
I made an appointment with my doctor, I think I was expecting him to dismiss my self diagnosis. I’d felt so emotionless and dead inside, and although I would often cry myself to sleep, I didn’t for one second think that i’d leave my 10 minute appointment looking like Alice Cooper. My doctor has been my doctor since I was a child so he knows me and family and therefore knows our past medical/personal history. I walked in and told him why I was there and to my surprise he implied that he’d anticipated my visit, knowing my past and how much I take in my stride, he knew it was only a matter of time before I gave up and cracked! So that time had come and I left the room with black tears running down my cheeks, a referral to Talking Therapies and a follow up appointment. I had mixed emotions, firstly I felt relieved that he’d diagnosed me with depression but then I felt dread that he wanted me to speak with someone.
I know every single reason why I feel the way I do. From being bullied as a child, my best friends telling me they’d never liked me whilst at secondary school, my parents separating and subsequently my dads family disowning me and my sister to name a few. I have a crazy memory where I can remember word for word conversations, remember the date and time, what clothes people had on and what fragrance they were wearing. Sometimes I treasure this ability, when I can recall happy moments in time and relive them, but often it feels more like a curse, living through something horrible and hurtful once is bad enough, but if something triggers me to remember a bad memory, it’s emotionally draining.
As my doctor had referred me and my Mum and sister both thought it would be a good thing for me, I did attend some counselling sessions. I was also prescribed ‘Happy Pills’ aka Prozac, something I was initially against, but now am grateful for and by the second third of the year I was definitely less miserable. The first part of the year started with me being miserable with my family either shouting at me or giving me the silent treatment which in turn lead me to going to the doctors and the start of my new journey.
From Easter the tablets had kicked in and my moods had subsided slightly. I felt more relaxed and more at ease. Come May I’d got myself back on the dating apps, I matched with a few people (many of whom let me down) but in June one restored my faith and sparkle.
Our first date was Friday 15th June at 20:30 and ended at 04:30 Saturday morning (not too shoddy for a first date hey) It was a if we’d known each other forever, nothing was strained, no awkward silences, it was just…..perfect. So much so we went for our second date Saturday evening which rolled into the Sunday (which I guess was technically our third date?!?) Doesn’t this all sound too good to be true. Well of course it does, it’s me and my life after all, there’s never any fairytales for this ugly sister. He called me on the Tuesday saying he had something to tell me. Oh great he’s married I thought, just my luck. But no that wasn’t what he wanted to tell me, instead to tells me he’s got a new job, nothing wrong with that I thought, I mean surely you wouldn’t go on dates with someone if the job was miles away and would mean us not being able to see each other? Well last time I checked Limerick is in Ireland and Ireland is the other side of some water that happens to be the Irish Sea and then technically there’s also another country between England and the Emerald Isle and that would be Wales. Yes yes, his new job and life is in Limerick, Ireland (or what I like to call the shitty place!). During our speed dating escapade we’d decided to go to the seaside the following weekend, despite his news I opted to look on the bright side (Ireland isn’t that far away really, and I do have a massive soft spot the Irish) and wanted to make memories with the person that put some colour back into my black heart. We went to Bournemouth and had the best time, it was all just so easy and fun. I didn’t want to think that we wouldn’t be able to do spontaneous things like this every weekend.
He moved at the beginning of July. Thankfully I had lots of things to keep me occupied, my birthday, weekend in London seeing Mr Timberlake (Happy birthday to me from me!), The Races and Craig David, then it was my sisters birthday and then me and sissy went to Amsterdam for a few days in August which was such a giggle. Since he moved we’d messaged every day and spoke on the phone probably once a week for 2 hours or more. Obviously this was far from ideal but I felt optimistic we could make this work. September came and I took a trip to Limerick (I’d decided in advance that the West Coast of Ireland wasn’t my favourite and that I’m a East Coast, Dub kinda girl) to see Bobby Garden. We did some exploring together, we visited The Cliffs of Moher (where he got rather annoyed with me and my persistence of walking close to the edge to “take a little photo”) we spent time in Limerick city centre and went for a stroll at Lough Gur (where I’d love to visit again in the spring where I imagine it to be even more beautiful). We had fun, we laughed, we went to Miss Marples tea room (jealous right). When it was time for me to come home I can honestly say a big part of me didn’t want to, which annoyed me because I knew that meant that I’d let down my guard and allowed myself to like BG much more than I wanted. He took me to the airport and we said our goodbyes, which I think I knew even then was a ‘Goodbye’ goodbye. We spoke a couple of times after my visit but it was sad for both of us and as willing as I was to figure something out he clearly wasn’t as I’ve not heard from him since the end of October. So he’s in Ireland probably with a Siobhan or Niamh and I’m here writing this lengthy blog (sorry it’s a novel, if you’ve read all this ‘Thank you’ for reading this bumf)
The latter part of the year has been reasonably quiet, I did manage for go away for what I’d hoped would be a sunny break (it was tipping it down when we landed!) to Tenerife in November. The sun did shine for some of our time away and think it’s what I needed, sunshine and warmth definitely helps my wellbeing and moods. Perhaps I should seriously consider moving abroad! And then of course we’ve had Christmas, which I love (it is the most wonderful time of the year after all) where I spent the day with my parents and sister and her boyfriend in their new home. It was a lovely day, lots of drink, so much food and of course lots of presents.
In truth 2018 has flown, I’ve had some ups and quite a few downs, I’ve laughed lots and made memories I’ll treasure and I’ve cried and been physically and mentally exhausted. Thank you to everyone who has been here for me this year, your ears and shoulders have very much been appreciated and I’m sorry for being such an unbearable bitch at times.
2019 is virtually upon us, which is completely crazy! I’m not making New Years resolutions other than to take each day as it comes, to believe in myself, and know that I am good enough (I’m basically Mary bloomin’ Poppins – “Practically perfect in every way”). I want to get back into a routine at the gym (I’ve piled on a good few lbs which to be honest really doesn’t help with my low self esteem so needs to be rectified). ‘Mission love me’ needs to be my priority and I need to allow myself to be happy. So come on 2019, let’s see what you have in store.
Wishing you all a fabulous start to the New Year – Please keep your arms inside the car and enjoy the roller coaster ride
L x
gymgingameoflife 